A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

A professor must have a theory as a dog must have fleas.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.


Alimony – the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.


Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.

Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods.

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

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  1. Nicky says:

    Loved quotes,awesome collection.

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