I have found the one. We are getting married. She is perfect. But hey dad do you know something? I miss you. God damn it I will always miss you. You were serenity. You were smiles. You always calmed the turmoil within me with your infinite patience and selfless love. But hey you had to leave abruptly didn’t you. Without even meeting her. Leaving my life story with a hole nobody and nothing can ever fill. A void where warm sunshine and tranquility was always mine to tap into.
How did you do it? How did you day after day absorb all our tantrums and complaints and shit out rainbows. What were you made of? I don’t even need to colour your memory with the bright colors of nostalgia to appreciate how truly incredible you were. I wanted to repay you in some little way. But you didn’t even allow that. Damn you. I never could repay you. But I wanted to give you small joys. The joy of knowing Shipra for instance. Imagining that moment when you two would have met for the first time is a secret obsession of mine. The way you would have beamed at her and she would have known a selfless love akin to her own parents. The way you would have laid all and every fear of her to rest. I try my best dad. But I am not you. You would have helped her overcome any and all obstacles with your wisdom and bottomless reserves of selfless love.
The extent to which mom would have been happy and content rather than bereft without you. You left a gaping hole in all our lives but none more so than mom’s. We all try hard to fill that void but again we are not you. Everything would have been infinitely better with you in our lives.
I can just imagine the way you would have looked at Ady. The way only you could have loved all of us. Equally yet infinitely. What were you? I didn’t deserve you but I didn’t deserve to lose you either. Without you life is like a rudderless boat. You were the best father anybody in the world could have had. And you were my father. And you left me so abruptly and with such finality. Do you know how much it hurts knowing that Shipra will never meet you? That one day when I am a father my child will never meet you. If you still exist somewhere know this. I am very cross with you. But even as an atheist sometimes I strongly suspect that Shipra happened for a reason. And that was the blessings you left with me. Thank you for having existed. If nothing else you made me nearly good enough to be worthy of someone as amazing as Shipra. But I will always be angry that you didn’t stick around for knowing her and interacting with her which would have been the greatest joy of my life.
You were my best friend. Guide. Philosopher. I love you dad. Always will.
By- Aseem Mahajan
